IHH Angel Spotlight
Kynslee Jean Lamb
"Our baby girl, Kynslee Jean Lamb, was born September 24, 2007 with many complicated heart defects, including HLHS, heterotaxy and dextrocardia. With her defects found in early ultrasounds, we were anxiously awaiting her arrival. When we finally got to meet her, she was the most beautiful baby we had ever seen, and she immediately stole our hearts. She received her first heart surgery at 3 days old. Everything went really well and she made great progress. However, as time wore on, more complications arose. She spent the first three months of her life at PCMC. Two days after Christmas we were finally able to take our baby girl home. It was a wonderful day for our family. We enjoyed a month of having Kynslee home with us. It was a quite an adventure with all the tubes, machines, medicines, and a few trips to the ER, but we loved it. It was a really fun time for us as we enjoyed our happy, smiling baby, during the healthiest time of her short life. Kynslee had her second heart surgery on February 11, 2008, after being admitted to the hospital for heart failure. It was then we discovered that surgery and other interventions, including a heart transplant, were no longer going to help our sweet girl. After another two months at PCMC we brought Kynslee home to enjoy the time we had left with her. We were expecting more time, but unfortunately after 11 short, but amazing days together, Kynslee passed away on April 15, 2008. Kynslee is an amazing girl, with so much strength and love. She has changed us forever. We miss her desperately, but we know she is resting peacefully and free from the pain she endured in this life. We are grateful for the time we had with her and we look forward to the day we can be together as a family again."
Next week, it will be 2 years that we have been with out her. 2 very long and painful years. Sometimes I can't believe it's been 2 years, and other times it feels like it has been FOREVER since I have seen and held her. Quite honestly, this is a place I have not been able to go to for awhile. I just haven't wanted to think about it. It hurts too bad. Ben will bring something up or want to talk about things, and I just haven't been able to. I can't explain it, it just hurts. I have been really sensitive about it lately. I don't know why. I think it hurts to know that I could have had so much more than what I had. Before Payson, I didn't know exactly what I had missed, and continue to miss. Now I see Payson growing, and hitting milestones, and it's just not fair that she didn't get to do that. And unfair that I didn't get to experience these things with her. I love watching Payson learn new things. It is so fun to play with him and make him laugh. I hate that I couldn't do that with Kynslee. I hate that I missed out on all these things. Every day I get so excited about the little things Payson does, and in the next second my heart hurts because I think about how I didn't get this with Kyns. Life with her was stressful; I was anxious and nervous about every little thing with her. My happy times were when her oxygen sats were where they were supposed to be. I was so happy when she had nine tubes instead of ten. I never got to play with her like I do with Payson. It's not fair. It hurts so bad. IT JUST ISN'T FAIR! Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I didn't LOVE life with Kynslee and the time we had together. It was amazing in so many ways. I just wish I had more. And I wouldn't have minded if life was a little more "normal" with her. I just miss her so much. And now her angel day is approaching. I look forward to and I dread these special days. I like that we can spend a whole day honoring her and thinking of her. It makes me very happy. But I also stress out about how to make the day special. I don't want the day to be over, and have regrets of how it was spent. I hate regrets. So I strive to make these days special. I want to remember her the best way we can.
This year, for Kynslee's angel day, we are going to continue the tradition of sending balloons to heaven for her. We really liked doing that last year. Anyone who would like to join us is welcome; both at the cemetery or wherever you are. We feel like it is a great way to just do a little something in honor of her. If you would like to come to the cemetery, let me know and I will give you the details.
We want to thank everyone for the continued love and support. These past two years have been rough, but we have been blessed to have amazing people beside us and helping us along the way. We appreciate so much the thoughtfulness of others. We hope you know how much it means to us. Thank you for all you do.
10 comments:
I think that losing a child would be one of the hardest things ever. You are a brave girl, and I hope her Angel day brings some comfort.
I think it is amazing how much you do in remembrance of Kynslee, as well as the organizations you keep up with in honor of all the families who have/had similar experiences. Bryce has to work on her Angel day, but our thoughts will for sure be with you and we'll try to send balloons off here!
What time is her balloon releasing going to be? What a beautiful tradition, I would love to come if I can. My email is debra@lakefire.com if you want to send the details of her angel day. You and Ben are a wonderful example to all of us!
I know EXACTLY what you mean... it's hard to know that our angels didn't get the same chance that others get. It's so heart breaking.
One thing that I have tried to remember (and sometimes it helps) is that, even though our special babies didn't get the same "opportunities" as many others get, they had many wonderful, love filled moments. Moments that will forever bring them happiness. I KNOW Kynslee knows how much you and Ben love her. Her milestones may have been different, but they are no less important.
That may not help at all. It's just one of the ways that I TRY to cope with things.
It's okay that you can't go "there"... I'm the same way. I find myself becoming more and more introverted all the time. It's not that I don't love talking about Mercydez. I absolutely do. It's just that I hold her close to my heart. She is my perfect princess (and Kynslee is yours). She brought me some of the most sacred, faith-provoking, life changing experiences I could never have had otherwise.
Sometimes I wonder if our babies weren't actually the ones watching over us, celebrating when we, as their parents, reached milestones we could never have reached otherwise.
I think you are amazing. I think of you and your husband often. I so badly want to follow your example.... and I'm afraid. I've been trying to exercise my faith more.
Just know that you are a beacon of light.
I truly hope this coming week, and especially Kynslee's special angel day, is filled with overwhelming peace.
Your friend,
Ashley Haws
I cannot believe it has been 2 years!!! Wow how time has flown. I know the feeling: the anticipation, the pressure, and than the actual day. We are thinking of you guys, ans sending our love. We will have to fly two balloons to heaven in her honor.
I am sorry Teea. Life really isn't fair sometimes and there isn't anything we can do about it. It helps me to think about the next life when we will be able to do all of the things we were supposed to with our little babies!! It's still hard but at least there is hope. You are amazing and what you did for Kynslee is amazing!! I look up to you so much and we will try to be at the cemetery next Thursday and if we can't make it we will release balloons at our house. Remember that I love you and I'm here for you!!
She has been in my thoughts already this month. I wish we could be there for your balloon launch but we will do one here:)
As always, you guys are such an inspiration of strength and I admire your honesty in your posts.I hope her angel day will be special and comforting for your family.
Count in the Wilsons. I would love to come and send off ballons again!!!!
Sophie and I will definitely release some balloons for Kynslee. I'm glad you're doing it again.
I love you Teea! You are an amazing woman.
So beautiful!!! This article made me sob immediately. That picture of her alone says a thousand words. It's not fair tiny spirits have to suffer like that. You are amazing AMAZING people and I will always admire you immensely!! I don't feel worthy saying much as I know this must be such a sacred and personal journey, but your baby girl is definitely one of the strongest spirits of all time!!
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