Some Fun Things

So amidst the sadness and hard times we have been going through lately, Ben and I have been able to do some fun things.

For Easter, we went to St. George for the weekend. We had a lot of fun and it was nice to get away and have a weekend together. On the way down we stopped in Ephraim for old times sake. We ate at Fat Jacks (or what was formally known as Fat Jacks) and had our favorite pepperoni pizza and FAT STICKS which are so AMAZING. We love them, and I have been craving them, so it was wonderful.



This is where it all started. We came to Fat Jacks on our first date, sat at this same table and ate the same thing, all three and a half years ago. Oh, to be young again... :)

We stayed with my old roomy from my Snow days our first night in St. George and enjoyed having a fun night with them. Thanks again Alicia! On Saturday, we had some plans to spend the day outdoors, hiking and going to the lake. And then it rained. All day. So instead we went shopping! Ben got some great birthday gifts (that he will get in a few weeks) and I got some cute new shirts that fit me and my growing belly. It was fun- I LOVE shopping. Ben's family came down that night and we enjoyed spending the weekend with them. We ate a lot, played at the park, went swimming, and just hung out. We had a good time. And we got LOTS of yummy candy. (Easter candy is the best!)





We also went to the beautiful St. George temple and spent some time in the visitors center. We watched an Easter video and reviewed the last week of the Saviors life. It was a great day, and we enjoyed spending the day outside.




Another fun thing we were able to do was go to the Jazz Game last night. We had so much fun! Even though we lost, it was still so much fun to be there. We cheered so loud, jeered the Lakers fans sitting around us, screamed and hollered, and jumped up and down. It was awesome. For the first half. Then the last part of the game was a bummer, but no regrets on going- it was a lot of fun. Thanks Shandey and Chris- we had a blast!

204 BALLOONS

Dear Kynslee,

On the day that marks one year since you have returned home to your Father in Heaven, we want to remember you and honor the life you shared with us. We join with many family and friends in sending you messages of love and admiration. We gather together at the place where your body rests, where a beautiful headstone lays in remembrance of you.

With lots of help from our family, we prepare for this special occasion. We fill and tie balloons to be sent up to you by those who love you.




We decorate your resting place with beautiful flowers and cute decorations. And we tie the balloons all around, giving it a pretty in pink feel. After all, you were very much a pink girl.





After so many of our family and friends have gathered to support us and share their love, we share our thoughts and feelings about you. We express how much we miss you and how we long to see you again. We give thanks for the blessing of having you with us and for the opportunity to love you and care for you. We read a beautiful poem written in your honor to share the beauty of your life and the impact you had on us all.







For you Kynslee, we write on balloons and we write on cards, expressing our love and how much we miss you. This is a chance for us to tell you what we've wanted to tell you since you were no longer with us. And also all the thoughts we've gathered on the journey from then to now. And we send them to you, with tears, with love and with hope for the future.






Even one from G.G. who is 98 years old and feels it won't be long until she gets to see you again! :)


204 balloons. One balloon for each day you were with us on this earth. 204 days you blessed us with your sweet spirit and beautiful strength and love. 204 very important, very special and very sacred days for us. Every day was a roller coaster, but a ride we will cherish all our life. Every day we woke up grateful we had another day with you, and hoping against hope we would never have to experience a day without you. Unfortunately we have now experienced 371 days without you. But those 204 days help us get through each day, even as the days without you get further and further from the days with you. And ultimately we am grateful for those 204 days.




We watch as they float higher and higher, getting closer and closer to you, just as we try each and every day to get closer and closer to being worthy of being where you are. We watch them, finding peace and comfort in the beauty of it. We are grateful for the chance to honor and remember you.







You have had such an impact on so many people. So many people love you very much and cherish you. And so many people want to share with us in remembering you. So they join us from all over, from Washington DC to California. From your uncle Braden, to friends we haven't seen in quite a while. Your life has changed us all. We are so grateful for everyone who participated and sent us pictures. We feel very blessed with all the love and support.

 

 

 

We love you Kynslee and we miss you every day. We look forward to seeing you again someday and know that you are with us until then. Thank you for letting us honor you and remember your beautiful life.

Love,
Mom and Dad

Our Angel

It was one year ago today. One year ago that my baby girl left this world and went home to heaven. It was aweful. I have never felt so sad and depressed. My whole body ached with grief. We had only been home from the hospital 12 days this time. I had no idea what was coming. Kynslee was doing so good at home, too. She was smiling, moving her arms and legs, and even started talking a little bit. It was so great to have her home.

Then her fevers started on Sunday (she passed away on a Tuesday). We took her to her first sacrament meeting that day. I was so nervous/excited. We kept her in her stroller so no one could get close. Also, it was nice to have a place to keep her feeding pump and oxygen tank. She did really well and slept most of the time. After church, I noticed that she felt warm and she was starting to fuss a little bit like she wasn't comfortable. So we gave her some Tylenol and didn't think much of it. We took her to Grandma Nadene's house that night for Sunday dinner. I knew she still wasn't feeling well. And that night, she had a rough night. She didn't sleep much and she kept pulling her feeding tube and oxygen off her face. We eventually pinned her sleeve to the bed so she couldn't grab at everything. Monday I just kept giving her Tylenol but it wasn't bringing down the fevers. I decided to call our pediatrician to see what to do. It was her day off, but she told me to meet me at the office as soon as we could. I told her since it was her day off, we could wait and I would take her in first thing in the morning, but she told me we better go in today. She also asked if Ben would be coming. I thought that was weird, but told her that he was at work and my mom would be coming with me. (It took a couple of us to load her and all her stuff. Plus I loved the company and it was nice to have someone watching her in the back seat while I drove.) Anyway, I should have figured it out then I guess, but I didn't. I just thought she would give us some medicine that would help her. Kynslee had been having fevers in the hospital for weeks and they couldn't find any cause of them. So when we went home from the hospital I just expected that fevers would be normal. She actually didn't have any for the first 8 days home. I was so excited about that, and felt that she was doing really well at home. I really think it was a blessing to not know just how sick she was. I mean I knew her heart problems were serious, but I really thought time was on our side. So on our way to the doctor's office, we stopped at Grandma Tye's house and had a little visit. Kynslee was not doing real well by then. She was really fussy and I could tell she was really warm. By the time we got to the doctor's office, Kynslee was the worst I have ever seen her. She burning up and she was moving around like crazy, flinging her arms and legs and it just wasn't like her to do that. When they took her temperature it was 107 degrees. The doctor told me that we'll first get something to calm Kynslee down and help her feel better, and then we will talk about options. At that time, I was nervous. I knew something wasn't right. She told us that with a fever this high there must be an infection in her blood stream. She said we could life flight her back to Primary's or we could take some cultures to see just what the infection was, but she figured that by this time, it was probably spread all over her body, and it was probably multiple things. The final option was to take her home. The doctor said she probably would not make it through the night. My first instinct was to take her back to Primary's where they could save her. But I knew that wasn't the option for us. We knew that they had done what they could do. Her little heart just couldn't handle anything more. If we went to Primary's, they would put the breathing tube in and have her on so many medications, and there was no way of knowing if would help. She would probably pass away up there with all those tubes and wires, and in the place we worked so hard to get away from. (I am very grateful for that hospital and their staff. They did amazing things and no doubt saved her life on many occasions. They truly made it possible for her to be with us for so long.) All the time the doctor was talking, I just held Kynslee and really felt numb. I didn't know what to think or do. My worst nightmare had arrived, and yet I knew it would come eventually. I called Ben to tell him and I broke down as I had to tell my husband that our daughter was dying and there was nothing we could do about it. I gave him the options and asked what he wanted to do. Of course we both talked about going to Primary's. We discussed if that is what Kynslee would really want, or if that was what we really wanted, even. I think I felt like that is what we were supposed to do and we wanted to know that we did what we could to save her by taking her back to the hospital. It just didn't seem right to have to take her home and not do anything. But in my heart I knew that was the best choice for our little family. Kynslee would not want to be back in the hospital hooked up to everything. I knew it was time to say good bye. And so did Ben. So the doctor gave us some medicine to help ease the pain for Kynslee (too bad she didn't have anything to ease the pain for us) and called hospice for us and sent us home with our dying baby. It was a long ride home. My mom made all the calls to family to tell them what was going on. It still just didn't seem real that it was happening, even as I heard her say it to everyone. I was so grateful my mom was there, and I didn't have to go through that alone.

By the time we got home, a lot of our family had already gathered there. Kynslee was doing much better, and sleeping good, which was such a relief after what I saw her going through earlier. And then with all of our family surrounding us, we waited and had the longest night of our lives. I didn't really know what to expect, since I had never seen anyone die before. I didn't know if it would be sudden or if I would even know what was happening. I was really nervous. But after a few hours, I could tell she wasn't ready to leave us quite yet. Everyone stayed with us well into the night and we enjoyed each others company as we held and loved our little Kynslee. We were able to make hand molds and do some hand and foot prints. I am so grateful to have those. I am glad someone thought to do that. While everyone was with us Ben gave Kynslee a blessing. The last blessing he would give her in this life. It was sad and we all cried. As the night wore on, everyone left and Ben and I made our bed out in the family room right next to our baby girl. She was so hot that we had taken her clothes off and laid her on a blanket so she could cool off a little bit. Slowly, her breathing got slower and she stopped moving around. Family came back to spend the last hours with Kynslee. At this time we took out her feeding tube and took the oxygen off her face so she could be comfortable. She took deep breaths, with more and more time passing between each one. Ben and I held her for hours as this continued until at 1:50 pm on Tuesday, April 15, 2008, our baby took her last breath.

I think its safe to say that was the worst day of my life. I was completely lost in grief and pain and I didn't know what to do. Word spread quickly and we got a lot of visitors, mostly from family and the ward, bringing food and love and comfort to us. I tried to talk with people, but I had no idea what was being said. It was all a blur. Later that night I realized I was hungry because I hadn't eaten anything all day. I tried to drown my sorrows in food, mostly chocolate and other comfort foods. Only they didn't help me feel better. We put a movie on to pass the time and so we weren't just sitting there. I haven't been able to watch it since. Its too painful and brings back too many emotions and feelings. I cried myself to sleep the night, and MANY nights after that, knowing nothing would ever be the same.

I miss her so much. I can't wait to see her again. It already seems like its been FOREVER since I have seen her. Even though the pain is not as fresh, its still there. It is like an ailment you can't get rid of but just learn to live with. I have just learned how to get along. It will never be gone. Not until I am with her again. There are obviously so many WHY's and WHY NOT's to ask and ponder. It doesn't seem fair that we have to go through this. But we have and we continue to go through it. But we will survive. We will make it. And we don't have to do it alone. Our God and Father is with us as is our Savior, Jesus Christ. We have felt Them as They have helped us get up each day and gave us strength to walk outside. And They continue to guide us and strengthen us. Because we need it each and every day. This is not something that I will ever get over. This is something I will live with. And I know I will see her again and that our family will be together forever. But until then, it hurts and its hard. Not a day has passed in this year that my heart doesn't ache to hold my baby. And I know not a day that I will ever live will pass without that ache.

I feel her close to me. I feel her love comforting me. I know she is with me and encouraging me to be my best so I can be where she is.



We know she is perfect, no longer suffering and we are grateful for that knowledge. She had to go through so much while she was here and it was hard to have to see her go through everything. She taught us so much and brought so many people closer together. We are grateful she stayed with us so long. She changed us in so many ways, and we will forever be grateful for her and how she blessed our lives.

Kynslee's Angel Day

One week from today is Kynslee's angel day. We have been thinking a lot about what we want to do on that day. We wanted to do something special to remember her. And we wanted to invite all you would like to join us to come along.

On Wednesday, April 15th we are going to meet at the Lehi cemetery at 6:00 pm. We are going to be releasing pink and white balloons in honor of our baby girl. We are going to be writing on the balloons the things we want to tell Kynslee, and then watch them float up to her. We want to invite any and all who would like to join us. All you wonderful people have been a part of our lives and apart of Kynslee's. You have all been so supportive and have helped us so much. We are so grateful for all the amazing people in our lives. You have been there for us during the hardest time of our lives, and we love you all so much. We know she touched so many lives and we would like to give everyone a chance to join us in honoring her and remembering her.

So if you want to and if you can, please join us next week next at Kynslee's beautiful headstone to help us remember her beautiful life. If you can't make it to Lehi at that time, we would invite you to release balloons for Kynslee anytime you can that day, and from anywhere you are. We have many friends and family who live farther away, and we would love you to join us. Even if you don't live farther away, but can't make it, do it when you can, where you can. We would just ask you to PLEASE take pictures and send them to us. We would love to see them and be able to keep them to remember all who joined us.

This is a sad day for us to come upon and it hurts to think about the year we have had with out her. But we know that she is in our Heavenly Father's arms and she is watching over us and staying near by. We feel her with us. We feel her love. And we miss her everyday.

Thank you all for being so supportive and thoughtful. We appreciate your prayers, and all your nice comments, calls and texts. We love you.




This is Kynslee in her Easter dress. I was so excited to get her all dolled up. We were still in the hospital over Easter (big surprise there, right?) so we did the best we could with what we had. We had a fun little Easter with just our little family.



We hope you have a wonderful Easter and enjoy remembering our Savior and His resurrection. We are so grateful for the resurrection, and the chance we have to live together forever as a family. We know we will see Kynslee again and we are grateful for that knowledge. We know the Savior lives and He loves us. He has given His life for us so that we can all be saved and return and live with our Father in Heaven. We love this opportunity to reflect on our Saviors life and remember Him. Happy Easter!

Hahahaha!

My wonderful sister in law tagged me in this fun photo tag. You go to the FOURTH folder and find the FOURTH picture and post it.... well I didn't want to change the rules or cheat.... so this is the picture that I get to post. BAH!

It was taken at the hospital one night, and Ben called me name, and I looked up at him, and this is what turned out. It's attractive, right? :) I'm afraid I give this look to him a little too often!

Now I tag FOUR people: Kristen, Jessica, Felisha, and Jeanette

So here is a little update on what's going on with our little Lamb Fam.

I started working a couple of weeks ago and I am really enjoying it. To finally have somewhere to go and something to do is wonderful. I also work with a good friend, so it's been fun. I work for Mountain Land Rehabilitation in their corporate offices. My official title is administrative assistant which just means I do whatever I am asked and whatever needs to be done. But I really enjoy it.

Ben is still going to school and it's definitely a love hate relationship. He is so close to be done, and we are so grateful we have the opportunity to get an education. But it's hard and it's time consuming. And I think it's safe to say we both hate it. I don't know how he does school and work full time. I was so lucky to not have to do that. He is amazing. We will both be happy when he's done. He is also very busy with his church calling and is such a great example to me of a strong and dedicated servant of Christ. Work is good for him. He is really good at what he does. It's just so hard being in retail. We are done with working late hours and holidays. I love it when he can get a Saturday off, so we can spend some time together, but it's also hard because Saturdays are a great selling day and when you're on commission, you need the numbers! But we try to spend as much time together as we can. He has this weekend off for conference and we have enjoyed the relaxing time and watching conference together.

We went to the doctor yesterday and everything looks good. Our cute little baby is about 3 inches big and we love him/her already! I am at that awkward stage where my pants are getting a little too tight but my maternity pants are still too big. I don't really have a belly yet, but I am definitely starting to poke out. The best news I have heard in a long time was finding out I have only gained one pound since my last visit! I was so excited! I am feeling SO much better as I start my second trimester. I am starting to eat more than just cereal and crackers. (But I still have at least 2 bowls of cereal a day). Oh, and based on the baby's measurements from my last ultrasound, my due date has been moved back to October 2. As if the pregnancy doesn't last forever anyway, now I have an added week!

We set an appointment for May 7 to go to the U hospital for our big ultra sound. My doctor wanted us to go there where they have better equipment so they could get a really good look and the heart and everything. We are really nervous and anxious about that. We pray fervently each night that our baby is growing healthy and strong. And that is when we'll find out if it's a little boy or girl cooking in there! I can't wait for that. I have so many things I need to do to get ready, but can't really do anything until I know if I am going to do them in pink or blue. I am also really anxious to get all our baby stuff out but I want to wait until I know if I will be getting all of Kynslee's clothes and other pink accessories out or if we are going to have to buy all new ones (both options sound equally fun!) So I will try to wait patiently until May 7... just one more month.

We are approaching Kynslee's angel day. It has almost been a year since she left this life and returned home to our Father in heaven. I can't believe it's been that long since I have held my baby. My heart hurts as we approach the day. This time of year brings back many memories. We brought Kynslee home from the hospital on April 4th, exactly a year ago today. We were so excited and really had no idea we had such little time with her. We new that she would not be going back to the hospital. They had done all that they could for her little heart and her other medical conditions. But I sincerely thought we would have more than just 11 short days left. It was so fun having her home. We were able to take some really cute pictures of her and we enjoyed a fun conference weekend home with her.

It's a hard place to go to, thinking about that time. I try not to because it hurts so bad and its so emotionally exhausting. This was also the time, 2 years ago that we found out that Kynslee would be born with heart defects. That was also a very emotionally hard and challenging time for us. Our dreams were crushed. Everything changed for us. And with this new little one, we are so nervous... I just can't imagine going through this again. But we are relying on the Lord's strength to help us and give us comfort. I felt Him close to me as I constantly worry about the health of this baby. But I have felt comforted and have felt His love for me. I know that everything will be okay, I just don't know what everything will be. I know that the Lord is mindful of us and our needs and desires. And I know He blesses us each day.

Watching conference today was inspiring, as always. I really look forward to it each time. The two talks that hit home for me were Elder Hales talk and Elder Scott's talk.

I love the encouraging words of Elder Hales to live providently and stay out of debt. I also loved the admonition to live happily with what we have. I often list off a number of things I wish I had. I don't find that good for me, as I just feel bad that I don't have them, or covet them until I get them. It's a personal goal for me to really focus my attention on the spiritual things in life, instead of focusing so much on the material. So I am going to work on really enjoying what I have, because I am so blessed with so many things.

Elder Scott's talk really touched me as he talked about losing his two babies. As I stated before, I can't imagine going through this twice. But I found comfort in his words as he talked about not being bitter and upset. You could see in his eyes that he still feels the loss of his family, but he doesn't let his sorrow consume him. I find such a hard balance between grieving my loss and living my life. I sometimes feel that if I don't feel sad about Kysnlee all the time, I must not really miss her or I'm not honoring her. Obviously that is irrational. But other times I realize I cannot dwell on my loss, but instead, focus on the time I had with her, and all that she taught me. I find it hard to balance my thoughts and emotions. And I just loved the sweet words Elder Scott spoke. You can tell he still misses his children and wife very much and he always will. But he got through it. He has lived a good long life full of service and dedication to the Lord. I can do it. I can make it through. I know I will always miss my sweet baby. My heart will always ache for her. But I will also live a good long life. I will strive to serve others and be the best I can be. I know I have to do all that I can to be with her someday.

I also wanted to share some exciting news. Do you remember my friend Emily who I encouraged everyone to vote for on the blog Seriously So Blessed? Her and her sweet husband just adopted a little boy. We are so happy for them and so excited they get to have a little baby in their arms again! Congratulations Emily and Mike!